Subversive Amazon Reviewer

So before the snarky blog posts, I used to write subversive product reviews on amazon. I was trying to figure out their audit and filter algorithms (until an employee told me that it was mostly a self policing flag-based system a la craigslist). Still I had my fun. For a while, I could suggest lewd product associations by continually looking at or buying inappropriate combinations of product, but the web police figured out that little game. Oh the early days of web 2.0, Tyler Durden could have had so much fun.

My dinner with Bezos hasn't been entirely lollipops and Turkish delight, his minions arbitrarily deleted my "So You'd like to Host a Raimi-Fest" "So You'd Like To..." Guide after it had received 1448 views and 2 helpful votes. This was an honest, earnest, and informative guide providing the history, accepted film list, required bar menu and other helpful tips on how to throw an official Sam Raimi film festival. As the founder of this now heralded and time-honored tradition, I am deeply insulted and hurt by Bezos' blatant censorship.

First the Raimi-fest, then what is next to go? Will they delete my "How to Cope with Zombies" listmania! list? Can't you bastards understand that I'm trying to save lives come Z-day. Abandon your undead-centric bias and give free speech a chance!!!!

Luckily much of my work survives to this day. Please go vote for the ones you like so they will become more visible to inquiring cyber-consumers everywhere.

Here is a rundown of my Amazon reviews:

Enzyte The Natural Male Enhancement pills
While no longer available on amazon, I had to take this opportunity to call myself a dick-head.

Ken as Legolas in Lord of the Rings
A quick cheap shot on both Ken and Legolas.

Sex and the City Babydoll T-shirt: I'm a Charlotte
Extremely unpopular (2 of 14 people found the review helpful) rant against "Sex in the City"

The Greatest Comic Book Heros
Tracking down the source material for the "Kill Bill Superman" speech, I decided that Tarantino did it better and quoted the whole speech within the review.

Sea Monkeys - Magic Castle
Mentioned in another random blog, this is my most popular and my most poetic review. I'm sort of proud of this one.

Williams Mug Shaving Soap - 1.75 oz
The only reason I reviewed the shaving soap is because it cost $2.99, which at the time was the best item in the amazon.com inventory to add with ROTK Extended Version DVD for free shipping. Of course the shaving soap lends itself to a discourse on the relative facial hair of men, dwarfs, and elves.

Showgirls DVD
"Saved by the Bell?"

Magnolia DVD
"More painful than a kick in the nuts."

Clay Pigeons DVD
"When Joaquin was the lesser of two Phoenixes."

Shakes the Clown DVD
"The Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies."

Sea-Monkeys Ghostly Galleon
Really a prototype for the other sea monkey review.

Six-String Samurai DVD
"Don't be fooled by the hype!"

Timeline
An honest and entertaining review of Timeline by Michael Crichton. I accidentally called "Heath Ledger" "Keith Ledger", but in 2002 when I wrote that review, Heath was not the modern day James Dean that he is today. I had to remove the cursing for Amazon

O Brother, Where Art Thou soundtrack CD
My only goose egg review. No one liked this one.

Blindness
Repeat!!! I already reposted this book review of Blindness by Jose Saramago in this blog. I had to remove the potty mouth talk for Amazon.

Candyland
My take on the classic board game was not a crowd favorite (15 of 50 people found the review helpful). I've come to the conclusion that the other 35 people were blind sheep who could not remove themselves from the Matrix. This was a great review!!! I'm Marc Marasco and I endorse this message.

Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies
This is a copy of my very first book review. Of course Amazon forced me to remove all the cursing.

Rage Against the Machine: The Battle of Mexico City DVD
Straightforward DVD review.