Trekolicious

New Trek was one hundred and twenty minutes of awesome. Following the example of Iron Man, JJ updated the dorkster content with light and sexy action in a perfect geek-chic cocktail. I laughed, I cried, I thought nasty and cruel thoughts about the red shirts.

In all seriousness, they did two great things with New Trek. First, by ctrl+alt+deleting the timeline through event changing time travel, the writers broke the chains of 60's Trek forever. We now have angst-y new modern Kirk and Spock rocketing around a universe where anything can happen. Which brings me to awesome point number two. In this retcon, they emphasize the parallel Kirk/Spock rebellious youthiness. You really get the feeling that dynamic duo was meant to be together. Sure sure, they start out enemies like Murtogg and Rigs. Kirk is all brash and crazy. Spock goes around saying "I'm too logical for this shit" but they wind up good cop buddies in the end. I left this flick hungry for more Trekkie goodness. This is now the summer film to beat.

New Trek

Happy Trek day! You know, I don't even care if the New Trek is any good. It can't be worse than the last two movies in the franchise. I don't even remember the details, but I recall a crazy mini-me Picard and Kirk being killed off in a boring and unoriginal way... oh and they off'd a pudgy Data in some Spock wrath of khan sort of way, right? Why is it that the logical brothas always gotta go out that way?

So with lowered expectations, I'm just going to enjoy the ride. White Castle is on TV right now and Harold is going to freakin' rock as Sulu:



I'm not so sure about Shaun of the Dead as Scotty. He's funny and all that but Scotty is... well... ok... Scotty is a joke. Shaun is going kick ass!!



Err... lower expectations. lower expectations. lower expectations... It worked with Wolverine, it will work with Star Trek.

Lets Say for Argument's Sake, I'm Not Smart

Over the last two weeks we saw Adventureland and Twilight. Both movies feature Kristen Stewart as the leading lady. Adventureland's troubles extend far beyond the reach of Steward, but she renders Twilight unwatchable. Thirty minutes into the flick, eyes a bleedin', I couldn't help thinking she ruined any potential with her stuttering blinky constipated acting. Observe:



I know why Bella would be attracted to a vampire, who wouldn't? If someone offered me immortality and superpowers, my only pause for thought would be "Should I turn Karma as well so I'd have an immortal dog? or would she just go around causing problems killing too many people? I'd probably have to go bite Cesar Milan to get my vampire puppy right in the head."

But Stewart makes Bella such an unappealing downer, I was kinda hoping the Frog Brothers would drive up from Santa Carla and stake the whole lot of them. Okay, the Lost Boys was a crap movie. I can admit that now. But it kicked ass in 8th grade and I'm gonna go out on a limb by saying "the chick who played Star and Jason Patrick done up the teenage vampire movie twice as good as Stewart and Cedric." Who wants awkward boring vampires anyway? This Twilight thing has got to go. It is just one more example of the pussification of our American youth.

Chuck Norris is a Wuss

Ok. Maybe Chuck Norris is not a wuss. I'm just saying that because I hope he gets pissed, kicks down my door, and hits me. Then my days would consist of waking up late, walking to the mailbox, and cashing my check from Chuck Norris' lawyers. I could go a long way on that Walker Texas Ranger money.

But seriously, what's the big deal with Chuck Norris? Despite the internet hype, he is not an invincible bad-ass. Truth be told, Chuck is a right wing, gun loving weirdo who wants to roundhouse kick the Theory of Evolution in favor of Intelligent Design. But, that's ok. Chuck doesn't have to agree with my political beliefs to garner my respect

He does, however, need to star in one good movie. Can you think of a passible Chuck Norris movie? Go ahead, try. Name one if you can. It ain't the Octagon, nor Side Kicks. Chuck Norris' only legendary on-screen performance was his debut in Way of the Dragon. You remember that one don't you? When Bruce Lee kicked the living shit out of him. Here is a refresher:



Who's the tough guy now, Chucky?

Editor's Note: As a working stiff, I have to write many of my posts ahead of time and then schedule out over the weeks. Just last night, I saw a TV commerical stealing this exact idea... well they didn't call Chuck Norris a wuss, but they did reference his ass-kicking in WoD. Son-of-bitch! I knew getting a job was going to screw up my life!!!

Who Watches The Watchmen Treats

So one of the reasons Bex is the best wife in the world is because she is crafty beyond belief. Remember last year when she made me a birthday cake in the shape of our puppy, Karma? If not, get a load of this:



Given the current Financalypse, I wanted a low key birthday party for the big three-five. So we arranged a recession friendly (but day-light savings time sucky) matinee viewing of Watchmen followed by a yummy lunch at Armadillo Willies with all of our friends. This rocked because the movie was fantastic and I love the casual come-and-go buy your own food style of Willies for large groups.

However when Rebecca made Watchman lollipops and cupcakes, that cranked the awesome to 11!!!!





Rebecca kicks ass with cupcakes like Dr. Manhattan kick ass on the Vietcon!

Happy W day

Greetings True Believers. For Eugene and all the other non-comic book fans out there, the movie version of Watchmen premieres today. All questions involving inter-dimensional space squids, inclusion of the blue penis, and pirate comic books within comic books will soon be answered.

In the meantime, enjoy the latest Marvel VS DC installment from SomeRandomGuy on Youtube.



Homeboy lost focus when went with the multi-episode original story thing, but he's back on point with this one.

Top 5 Super Hero Movies of all Time

With March approaching, I'm starting to get a stiffy for The Watchmen Movie premiere. On Aimee's recommendation, I borrowed the graphic novel from Walter last year and was thoroughly impressed with the layering narratives and character development. It will be interesting to see how they update the story out of the Reagan / Thatcher era without making a mess of it a la V for Vendetta.

Thinking about The Watchmen, I've decided to do the blog cliche and spin you my top 5 super hero movies of all time:

5: Sin City (2005)


Strengthened by its faithful stylization and technical achievements, Sin City barely edges out Tim Burton's Batman (1989) for the number five spot. Abstractedly penciled and inked, Sin City comic books tend to emphasize a visceral mood over story and characterization. Using the most advanced technology at the time, the movie painstakingly animated the frames delivering the same experience on the big screen. The only reason Sin City is not higher on my list is because the three interweaving stories are still as weak as the source material and Jessica Alba plays a stripper who doesn't get naked.


4. Batman Beyond: The Return of Joker - Unrated (2000)


This must-see direct to DVD release takes place in the Batman Beyond universe which was developed specifically for the Batman Beyond Animated Series. In this futuristic world, Bruce Wayne is a grumpy old man with a heart condition who passes the cowl on to Terry McGinnis, a young upstart learning his craft with a technologically superior bat suit. As the title suggests, this movie focuses on the reappearance of the Joker which shakes Bruce Wayne to his core. McGinnis digs up the past learning about the supposed final resolution between these iconic rivals. With an original story, Return to Joker presents a real mystery as it borrows from the epic Dark Knight Returns graphic novel. More than any other batman movie, this outing summarizes the past, present, and future of the rich Batman mythos thrilling die-hard fans as well as casual viewers. The only weakness in this movie is the new Joker's nefarious plot which center on a cliche anime MacGuffin. However the film peaks during a flashback told by now Police Commissioner Barbara Gordon. What could possibly send Bruce Wayne over the edge? Make sure to pick up the unrated version as the edited cut ruins this pivotal scene.


3. Spiderman 2 (2004)


Spiderman 2 is the gold standard of super hero movies. Alfred Molina skillfully portrays Doc Oc as a somewhat sympathetic mad scientist providing well paced action scenes. However as a sequel, the second Spiderman advances beyond origin stories of good vs evil and focuses on the sacrifice and inner struggle of Peter Parker. Toby McGuire owns the suit infusing depth of characterization to the story forcing the viewer to really care about the aforementioned kick-ass battles. The only weaknesses in Spiderman 2 involve oversaturated Aunt Mae speeches and the all too mopey James Franco. However these flaws can be attributed to bridge story dynamics and are easily forgiven. The real shame of the Spiderman franchise is the steaming pile of crap dubbed Spiderman 3.


2. Ironman (2008)


Honestly, Ironman is a historically weak character that has benefited from the last round of comic book re-imagining. As a "b" Marvel title, we could have seen a Punisher / DareDevil / Fantastic 4 treatment on the big screen. Fortunately Robert Downey Jr IS Tony Stark. With his usual wit and charm, Downey Jr elevates the Larry Ellisonish character beyond the comics into a blockbuster hero. Stylish and slick, Ironman strikes the perfect balance in tone for an entertaining movie.

1. The Incredibles (2004)



The Incredibles offers up a twofer: best super hero movie and best Pixar movie. I could go on and on about the crazy set action pieces, the spot-on humor, or the well-placed nods to the comicon fanboys. However the main strength of the Incredibles is the tight and compelling story. In one movie, we witness the impact of a world moving on, the hero's compulsion to do good, a family finding its place, and the triumph of (super)man over technology. Frankly, what is really incredible is that The Incredibles survived the "Pixar Script Committee" which has been castrating their movies over the past few years.

So there you have it. Looking at the clock, this top 5 list took forever to write so I eagerly welcome any and all debate.

Move Review: The Wrestler

Yesterday, Frank and I exercised our unemployment privilege by taking in a matinee of The Wrestler. Following Sean's advice, I snuck in a couple of beers to heighten our cinema going experience. I don't want to get off on a Tarantino-esque rant, but movies and beer go together like peanut butter and chocolate. I don't know why they don't allow booze in theaters. Next time, I'm smuggling in a six-pack.

In The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke plays Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a beaten shell of a man desperately trying to hold onto his former glory. The film studies the humbling brutality of a WWF wrestler who was once an 80's icon but is now downtrodden, forgotten, and broken. This is the role of the lifetime because Rourke basically just needs to be himself. All he has to do is replace the word "actor" with "wrestler", cut, print, that's a wrap, and we're done. Next scene. With that said, Rourke nails it Mary Lou Retton style... perfect 10 as he sticks the landing. The vunerability he brings to the role breaks your heart. Meanwhile, his Hollywood 'roided body and Michael Jackson face hauntingly mirror the ravenges of his character.

While all the little gold man talk surrounds Rourke, the surprising performance is Marisa Tomei. As a used-up exotic dancer, Tomei's experience parallels the wrestler. Past their primes, both struggle as the world moves on. Like Rourke, Tomei brings a sense of honesty and goodness to the role while expressing a tragic vunerability. Somehow she manages to infuse this into the performance while being half-naked in most of her scenes. Many other high profile actresses have donned the g-string of late, but none of them have come close to humanizing the character like Marisa Tomei. Tomei is excellent and deserves any role she wants after this performance.

So obviously I like this movie. If I had to find something negative about the flick, I would mention that the plot is predictable. From the first twenty minutes of the film, you can pretty much take your pick of three endings. For those who are curious and want the spoilers, they went with option number two.

Movie Review: The Hammer

Sharing my affinity for the comic styling of Adam Carolla (Loveline, Man Show, Adam Carolla Morning Show), Chris gave me a DVD of The Hammer for Christmas. This was a great gift!

Do you like boxing movies? Do you like Adam Carolla? Then you will like The Hammer. It really is that simple.

If you have never heard of Adam Carolla, here is the plot. The film introduces forty-year-old Jerry Ferro (Carolla) as an underachieving construction worker who loses his job in a humorous altercation. We soon learn that Carolla was once an amateur boxer. After successfully knocking down a local pro, Jerry earns one last chance to compete for the Golden Gloves. Ferro is supported by a his always faithful sidekick Oswaldo and a half-assed love interest named Lindsay (Heather Juergensen).

In truth, this movie is all about Adam Carolla doing his underdog common man's wisdom thing. For those in the know, its Mr. Birchum all over again. As an ex-boxer and ex-carpenter turned millionaire comedian and heir to the Howard Stern throne, this is a slam dunk. Imagine if I wrote and stared in a movie about a puppy-obsessed unemployed talent management product manager who fumbles around on home improvement projects and surfs the internet too much.

So I liked The Hammer, but I can't say it was a good movie. It suffers from predictable plot and poor acting. Within the first five minutes of the film, the foreman actually says something like, "You are a smart ass. You don't apply yourself. Otherwise you'd have your own contracting licence , your own crew, a nice car, and you wouldn't be a loser." Dialogue like that can only be described as lazy. Carolla's wry humor and charm carry the film. Luckily since its all about Adam, he is in all but two short scenes of this movie.

Do you like boxing movies? Do you like Adam Carolla? Then check out The Hammer

Movie Review: Idiocracy

Greetings true believers. Let us discuss Idiocracy (2006), Mike Judge's futuristic look at the dumbing down of western civilization. I first caught this flick on HBO about six month ago and was astounded. The next day, I couldn't wait to tell Doolittle about it. You see, Doolittle shares my love for all things Office Space and Futurama which puts him squarely in the targeted demo. Unfortunately, this is a small and cutting-edge market segment. The studios had no idea how to promote the movie which doomed Idiocracy to cable TV and video store shelves. In retrospect, this isn't such a bad fate as Office Space grossed hundreds of millions in the secondary market.

Idiocracy is the story of Joe Bauers (Luke Wilson), an army librarian who is exceptional in the fact that he is completely average in every measurable way. Because he is so average, the military selects him to be a one-year test pilot for a suspended animation program. Like all Hollywood suspended animation trials, things go horribly wrong and Bauers wakes up 500 years in the future. During this 500 year interval, Buba puts Darwin in a sleeper hold. Focusing on their lonely careers and yuppie aspirations, society's best and brightest die of stress without producing prodigies. Meanwhile the Jerry Springer generation multiplies in hordes as modern medicine saves them from their otherwise fatal stooge-like pratfalls.

This whole setup takes about 15 minutes of screen time and is explained through amusing quick cuts, narration, and tree diagrams. For the rest of the movie, Bauers adventures in an incredibly stupid consumerism dystopia where he is now the smartest man alive.

Without a doubt, the strength of Idiocracy relies on the ingenuity of the premise. The wry social commentary is on par with anything in Office Space. If you chuckle at the fact that Dax Shepard, one of the supporting cast, earned his law degree at Costco, this movie is for you. You will enjoy all the little catch phrases and digs at modern culture. You may find yourself updating references to TPS report with opportunities for saying "Brawndo, its got what plants crave!" Another strength to Idiocracy is Luke Wilson's straight man acting performance. While not as memorable as Peter Gibbons, Wilson carries a noticeably inferior supporting cast.

Idiocracy's weaknesses include the aforementioned supporting cast, passable production values, and the need for narration to keep the story going. However these low points can be forgiven since the movie is neither plot nor character driven.

Idiocracy is destine to be a cult classic and well worth a rental.

Daniel Craig: Angelina Jolie, I think I've got a problem...

(Warning there be spoilers in the murky depths below matie... arg!!!)



Angelina Jolie: What's wrong Daniel Craig?

Daniel Craig: My new James Bond movie doesn't make any sense.

Angelina Jolie: What do you mean?

Daniel Craig: I just run around during these set action pieces violently killing people for no good reason.

Angelina Jolie: Relax, that's the same thing we did in Tomb Raider and the fanboys ate it up.

Daniel Craig: Yes but there's this pretentious crappy excuse for a plot trying to string it all together. You see there's this vengeance thing from the last movie coupled with a secret "Quantum of Solace" organization conspiracy tied in with a third world water-for-oil-rights switchero thingy.

Angelina Jolie: A what-what? I thought you were the Quantum of Solace... you know like I was the Tomb Raider.

Daniel Craig: No the Quantum of Solace is the secret organization of Euro-trash bad guys that meet at operas and is responsible for my loved one's death. Only they aren't so secret because they all wear little silver "Q"s on their lapels.

Angelina Jolie: Oh, like the Illuminati when we did Tomb Raider? The bad guys sound good. Tell me more...

Daniel Craig: Well that's a problem too. The only bad guy is a French environmentalist wuss who is hell bent on ruling the world by stealing Bolivia's water. I actually get in a fight with the dork at the end. Can you believe that? I felt like I was beating up Al Gore.

Angelina Jolie: Water? Really? Umm... ok... what about the girl? You at least have a sexy love interest, right?

Daniel Craig: Yeah, we got that slutty Ukrainian chick from The Hitman. You know... the skanky model who played the Russian whore.

Angelina Jolie: Good... good...



Olga Kurylenko: Yes but in this movie, I'm a Bond Girl so I don't show my boobs. Plus since I'm a real actress now, I'm toning down the looks with back scars and this ridiculous haircut. You see, I'm a Bolivian secret agent with a tacked on revenge sub-plot of my own. With this symmetry to Daniel Craig's character, I don't even have to be in a love scene. Did I mention I'm a real actress now?



Angelina Jolie: So let me get this straight. You used to be model, but in this movie, you are an ugly Bond Girl who James Bond does not fuck? Maybe you should just go away now.

Olga Kurylenko: Fuck you bitch, I remember you in Cyborg 2.

Daniel Craig: See what I mean Angelina Jolie? It looks hopeless.

Angelina Jolie: Ridiculous, you can talk in a British accent and show some skin like this, right?



Daniel Craig: You mean like this?



Angelina Jolie: Brilliant. You'll be a star Daniel Craig!

(Quantum of Solace opened to $70m this weekend)

Netflix and Blu-ray rate increase.

When I first read this, I cried "BULLSHIT!"



Then I thought about this "something for nothing" internet culture and the $1 rate hike seemed reasonable for the increase in services.

UPDATE: apparently Giz came to the about the same conclusion

http://gizmodo.com/5060619/netflix-charging-1-more-to-blu+ray-renters

Still those $1 DVD kiosks at safeway are starting to look like a better and better deal.

Introduction

Hi. This is my very first post on my very first blog. I hope to communicate my random thoughts, stories, movie reviews, book reviews, and common going-ons here.

So what is going on today? I am very excited because today is I-DAY. Iron Man is being released on dvd today. Spanking Spiderman 2, the previous gold standard of comic book movies, Iron Man stands in an unflinching staring contest against The Incredibles as the best superhero flick of all time. For those of you who prefer the Dark Knight Returns, you are sorely mistaken. Tony Stark kicks Bruce Wayne's melancholy butt, but we'll save that argument for another time. It would involve spoilers and stuff that I haven't figure out how to handle yet.

In any case, I'm all ready with my blu-ray Netflix queue, big screen tv, and spanking new PS3.